Prior to me getting sober 15 years ago, most of my relationships had a similar destructive pattern. Lots of game-playing, controlling (disguised as helping), which usually turned into walking on eggshells, screaming matches, and heartbreak.

In the process of turning my life around, I realized that I had gone into relationships looking for “the One” and trying to figure out how to make someone like me. On dates, I always did everything I could to make myself seem better than I thought I was. It was like I was constantly auditioning for the role of girlfriend. On the inside, I felt pretty worthless. And the result was a string of emotionally-crippling disasters.

But with my new, sober, less-codependent perspective, I took a whole new approach to dating. Most importantly, I had learned to love myself unconditionally. I recognized I had areas that needed improvement, but I was a work in progress that I could love and accept.

I also scrapped the idea of looking for ‘the One’. The One is an illusion based on the idea that we need someone else to make us happy or complete, as if anyone but ourselves COULD make us happy or more complete. I realized I was my own ‘the One’. I was responsible for my happiness. And I was a complete person.

So with my as ‘the One’, I was no longer auditioning for someone else. No more headgames or obsessing about what I said or did or how I looked. I didn’t need to impress anyone. I just needed to be my authentic, loving, intelligent, funny self. And if my dates didn’t want that, then I wasn’t interested in them.

So what did this new approach get me? I went on a lot of dates, had some fun, and enjoyed life. And then an acquaintance and I got to know each other better and became friends. And then she asked me out, and then we started dating, and then we got married. That was more than 13 years ago and we’ve been happily married ever since.

My advice to people is to quit worry so much about finding someone and getting them to like you. Focus on learning to love yourself unconditionally. Become the kind of person (gender aside) that you would want to date: funny, caring, generous, trustworthy, courageous, respectful, authentic. Once you do that, all the stuff about who calls who and when and how soon to kiss or have sex, all of that becomes academic because you will naturally attract people who match your vibration. And relationships will naturally grow in a healthy way.