I have been on two dating sites this year and I am simply amazed at the sheer desperation I am witnessing. Love starved, lonely, broken hearted people, grasping at straws trying to find The One. Could it be most men and women really can’t be friends anymore?

Recently I received an email with the subject line “Make him fall in love with you and commit forever.” It all feels, well, icky. I keep scratching my head, wondering, hmmm…ever thought of looking within?

Charolette Kasl writes in one of my favorite books, If the Buddha Dated, “Ultimately, life is about knowing who we are and being able to accept the inexplicable rhythm and pulse of our journeys. We move from asking Why me? to reflecting on what befalls us. We learn to say, This is my life right now. What can I make of it? What can I learn from it? How can I feel joy? We are all made of the same substance, we are all a part of the same cosmic essence, of all that is. It is only our illusions that keep us feeling separate and alone.” So what brings you joy? What do you long to do? What does your heart desire that maybe you’ve been too scared to admit? If you can get really, really, real with yourself on this, you have a good foundation for finding The One because if you are doing those things, you are much more likely to meet a person also enjoying them! What are your non-negotiables? Do not settle for a person with a quality on that list. Ultimately, you will try to change them and that never works.

Now, let go of the attachments to outcome. If you fancy (as my friend from London says) someone, then tell them. What’s the worst that could happen, they aren’t interested? Well, great. If that’s the case, thank you’re lucky stars because they were probably NOT right for you anyway. Bullet dodged, heartache averted. Whew!

In the meantime, continue to build your foundation. I have done a number of workshops on relationships. There is an exercise I do towards the end of having participants call out the qualities of an ideal partnership/marriage. The process starts slowly and I usually have to bite my tongue to keep from adding any to the list for some time, but eventually, the page fills. Then I ask a simple question: who is responsible for these qualities? The problem comes when we do not discuss these qualities with our partners. What I may value, my partner has absolutely no connection to which will eventually create friction. Values change. It becomes a continual process to renegotiating the clauses of our contract when we commit to a relationship.

Become secure in who you are, all of you, work on the weaknesses, and show your strengths. Perfect your communication skills. Dogs and cats can’t talk, but we all know when they are hungry, need to go out, want to be left alone, when they want to play, and when they want attention. We have the ability to speak, use our words, and yet, most people are so damn insecure that they can’t state their needs and wonder why the object of their desire goes to the bad boys (and girls) instead of the lonely, but super sweet, intelligent, kind, and caring person who would treat them with love and respect. They don’t know you exist!! They think you want to be friends and you make a good friend, so it works. Use your words!

It is only when we take off the mask and risk being alone yet remaining authentic that we attract the caliber of person we truly long to be in relationship with for the long haul. There is no convincing needed. They see our gifts, essence, energy radiating and reflecting their own and it works. No desperation. No forcing. And forever will feel like a blip in time.